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If you’ve thought about whether your marriage is influencing your kids more than you realize, you’re not alone. Most parents live in quiet dread that every argument, fraught conversation, or fraught weekend that passes is somehow affecting their children more than they’d ever want.
The good news is that strong marriages don’t have to be perfect in order to give kids a more positive and stable home environment. It simply needs to be consistent and provide the assurance that your children can rely upon their parents as a stable foundation in their lives.
This article discusses what a strong marriage looks like to children, how it can positively influence a child’s emotional development, and ways you and your partner can cultivate the kind of home environment most beneficial to your children.
If you’re hoping to achieve this kind of stability before marriage even begins, Marriage.com Pre-Marriage Course is a great resource for laying the groundwork for your partnership.
What Does a “Strong Marriages” Actually Look Like to a Child?
The truth is that strong marriages don’t have to be visibly perfect to have a major benefit on children’s lives.
Instead, children pick up on the resolution of conflict, the degree of affection displayed, and the perception of whether their parents are on the same page, even through disagreements, as stronger indicators of a stable home, rather than the existence of arguments, which are normal at any stage of development.
A few of these qualities stand out as especially important indicators of a stable, strong marriage to children:
- Resolution of conflict: While it’s normal for parents to disagree, children benefit from seeing their parents have conflict and then make up or otherwise reconcile.
- Consistency of affection and words: When parents speak and act in ways that demonstrate consistent affection for each other, regardless of conflict, it reassures children that their parents will maintain a stable relationship.
- Visible affection: Although it can take many forms, visible affection helps reassure children that their parents’ relationship is stable and reliable. Parents agreeing on the same rules for their children
While it’s normal for disagreements to occur between parents, having an established, agreed-upon set of rules for your children helps reassure them that their parents act as a united front when it comes to parenting.
Research Highlight: Susan Brown’s review in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that as living arrangements have grown more varied and less stable, consistency at home, more than the absence of disagreement, tends to matter so much to kids.
None of this requires a marriage to look a certain way on the outside. Many strong marriages have very different day-to-day rhythms, but what they tend to share is that kids in the home feel like the ground under them isn’t shifting.
7 Ways Strong Couples Build a Happier Home for Their Kids
Kids benefit much more from the day-to-day consistency of their parents’ relationship than they do from any one particular incident.
These seven strategies all involve developing simple, repeatable behaviors in your marriage that allow your kids to feel secure without pressuring your relationship to be anything other than itself.
1. Resolve disagreements where kids can see the ending
While it’s important not to pressure your marriage to be visibly perfect in front of your kids, it’s also important to let them see how you and your partner resolve conflicts and reconcile differences.
This reassures children that conflict is normal and manageable; try to make sure they see the way you and your partner apologize or reach an understanding after an argument.
- Try this: Next time you and your partner disagree in front of your kids, make sure they also see you resolve it, even briefly.
2. Protect weekly couple time
Ensuring you have a couple of times, even when things are busy. Having even a little time set aside for you and your partner every week helps ensure that your relationship remains a priority in your lives.
This needn’t take long: even a short walk or coffee can help reaffirm your relationship in the face of busier schedules and other distractions.
- Try this: Block 30 minutes this week, no phones, no kids, just the two of you.
3. Agree on big parenting decisions in advance
Reaching consensus on difficult parenting issues beforehand helps ensure that, in your children’s eyes, you and your partner present a united front.
This reduces their anxiety and helps them understand that you and your partner will always have their best interests in mind as you make decisions.
- Try this: Pick one recurring parenting disagreement and agree on a shared approach before it comes up again.
4. Express appreciation out loud
Simple expressions of gratitude or affection help provide real-world examples for children of how partners in a relationship treat each other. Try to make sure you’re using these opportunities to show your children how you value your partner’s presence in your life.
- Try this: Say one specific thing you appreciate about your partner in front of your kids this week.
5. Keep money talk calm, not secretive
Although kids don’t need to know many financial details, tension around the subject can be stressful for them to observe. Try to keep financial conversations as calm as possible even when discussing difficult topics.
- Try this: Save money discussions for a set time when you’re both calm, not in the middle of a stressful moment.
6. Repair quickly after conflict
If children see open tension between their parents, they benefit from seeing you and your partner make amends after an argument, as well as showing them that your marriage remains strong.
- Try this: After any visible disagreement, make the repair just as visible; even a small gesture works.
7. Nurture your identity as a couple, not just parents
Children benefit from seeing their parents enjoy each other’s company in a fun, lighthearted way. This reassures them that your relationship is enjoyable, not just a serious partnership, and helps them model a happy, healthy relationship for their own future.
- Try this: Plan one activity this month that’s just about the two of you as a couple, not the family.
How Does Marital Stability Affect a Child’s Emotional Development?
Marital stability provides kids with a baseline of normalcy that helps them with many of their developmental tasks. Stable parents help their children grow into more emotionally stable, happier adults.
- Having stable parents helps children feel more relaxed in their day-to-day lives, leading to benefits such as better sleep schedules, improved emotional regulation, and confidence in communicating with their parents about their needs and concerns.
- It also helps children understand relationships: seeing a stable relationship unfold in real life helps them see how a functioning relationship works, which helps as they begin to navigate their own relationships and eventual parenthood.
- The positive aspects of stability tend to outweigh the negative, as stable marriages tend to experience fewer negative events over their histories.
For couples who want to build that steadiness from the very start, Marriage.com’s Pre-Marriage Course offers a practical way to build those habits before the wedding day even arrives.
Creating a Safe Home
A strong marriage doesn’t need to be visibly perfect to provide a stable, secure home for your children. It simply needs to be consistent and provide a sense of reliability that helps your children grow up emotionally stable and content.
Over time, this kind of stability helps your kids grow into happy, healthy adults who can maintain stable relationships and enjoy their own parenthood.
If tension in the home feels unmanageable, Find a Therapist can help you take proactive measures to improve your family’s wellbeing.
